The Friday Abstract: Another Archivist Ad

"They'rrrrre baaaaack!" So said the email I received from my anonymous source. More archivist ads in the spirit of those popular "Get a Mac" ads, Apple's marketing campaign. I still have not seen any even though I poured over hours of YouTube footage. In the end, I did not have to, really, because our dedicated anonymous source has seen them, and is transcribing them as I type. She sent this one to me, hot off the presses, so to speak. Here goes:

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Librarian Dude: Hello, I’m a Librarian.

Archivist Guy: [Enters scene pushing a cart with a large mechanical device on it] ....And I’m an Archivist.

LD: Whoa-ho, Archivist, what do you have there?

AG: This, my Librarian friend, is the Super Ultra Air Purifier Ionizer.

LD: That is awesome, Archivist. I'm really impressed.

AG: Why thank you, Librarian. You see, every few days—more times than I care to admit, actually—the facilities department forgets there are archivists working in our windowless rooms and often shut off the air ventilation system.

LD: Yikes!

AG: Yes, it gets pretty bad when you’re surrounded by dusty material. The burning eyes, stuffy nose, headache, nausea, flu-like symptoms – it ain’t a pretty sight, as they say.

LD: Well, why don’t you start up the machine?

AG: Good idea! [Flicks switch. Motor roars like an air plane engine]

LD: [Shouts above noise] Wow! That’s strong, Archivist!

AG: [Shouts above noise] Breathe in the fresh, ionized air, Librarian!

LD: [Shouts above noise] Hey, hey, Archivist, the private papers you were accessioning are blowing down the hallway. Shut off the machine!

AG: I can’t! I can’t! [Runs after papers, exits scene. Heard in the distance.] Stop, come back. Don’t step on those; they’re not garbage!

[Fade to black]

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The horror....the horror.